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SER PADRES Y MADRES PRIMERIZOS

SER PADRES Y MADRES PRIMERIZOS

 

Cuando empezamos a recorrer el camino de la paternidad y la maternidad, nadie sabe (aunque haya sabido) que no es tan fácil.

Es la etapa de más demanda física de todas. La palabra “DESBORDE” es la que más escucho en mis pacientes que atraviesan esta etapa. Se acumula el  mal dormir; la ansiedad de no saber mezclada con una especie de omnipotencia que nos dice “mirá como sí puedo”; soportar la crítica de “madres experimentadas”…a veces madre, a veces suegra, amigas que fueron madres antes e incluso amigas que aún no fueron madres pero creen que lo harían de manera diferente. En el último punto, menciono mujeres porque es donde observo que se da. Un poco porque aún estamos en un largo proceso de deconstrucción y un poco porque la sororidad es un músculo que hay que fortalecer.

Algo de eso también impacta en la mamá primeriza en cuanto a dejar momentáneamente de trabajar, y cuando ese “momentáneo” se extiende como lección de la pareja por los primeros años de la infancia de los hijos que desean tener. La sensación de “No estar haciendo nada” cuando en realidad están ejerciendo quizás la más importante de las tareas, no solo para sus hijos y su familia sino a nivel social (porque no hay mejor aporte que un niño criado con amor, atención y cuidado que luego será un adulto).

Para seguir describiendo este estado ABRUMADOR, de mucho en poco tiempo, podemos sumar la sensación de abandono personal, de no tener espacios “libres de niño”. Esto se traduce explotando en reclamos que ponen a la pareja en tensión, pero finalmente de conquista una o dos horas semanales.  Y aparece la culpa: culpa por no saber qué hacer y cómo aprovechar ese “regalo” que rasqueteamos que no nos alcanza para nada; culpa por no estar con el bebé y tal vez extrañarlo; culpa por haberlo dejado con alguien que “no lo va a cuidar lo suficientemente bien como una” (aunque sea el mismo padre y, muy en sus adentros, sepa que no es así).

Volver y hacer el check list de todas las tareas que dejaron en manos de otro. Y volver a empezar.

El hombre, por otro lado, en general jovencito, carga  con la responsabilidad laboral. Frecuentemente, por cómo fuimos criados diferentes hombres y mujeres, muy probablemente no exprese sus preocupaciones, ni otras emociones que pueden estar sintiendo…solo intenta aplacarlas.

Él se mete para adentro en ese aplacar, pero lo que llega al otro lado de la pareja es otra cosa. Eso se lee como “No te importa”, “te alejás”, “no me ayudás”. Y la madre agobiada se pone crítica esperando un reacción y cuánto más crítica se pone, más él trata de “no mover ni un pelo” que pueda empeorar la situación…lo que hace que ella se ofusque más…y así entran en un ciclo de interacción negativo que puede durar…uf! Y nada contribuye a el estado general de cansancio y abatimiento mezclado con la dicha más absoluta (que se deja ver muy de a ratos, sobre todo cuando el bebé finalmente se durmió).

Obviamente estoy haciendo referencia a una pareja estándar y, seguro hay parejas en los que los roles están invertidos…pero culturalmente nos fuimos ubicando en esos espacios que lentamente van cambiando pero estamos recién comenzando a revisar, que no es poco.

Las familias homoparentales primerizas tienen una dinámica parecida. Pero sufren una presión adicional: El estigma, el prejuicio, cuestiones con las que han luchado toda su vida tal vez. El demostrar que lo pueden hacer perfectamente bien como todo el mundo tal vez termina cargándolos o cargándolas con más. No hace tanto que los tratamientos de fertilidad, las adopciones, las subrogaciones de vientre son una posibilidad para la maternidad y paternidad de parejas del mismo sexo. Es un terreno conquistado hace muy poco tiempo. En algunos casos ni siquiera lo han soñado en su juventud por lo imposible que resultaba la idea. Y de pronto se puede!

Pero todos sabemos que el prejuicio lamentablemente sigue existiendo y es algo con lo que conviven dichas parejas además de lo antes mencionado.

 

En suma, la primera etapa de la maternidad y paternidad requiere mucho físico y mucho emocional. Es un cambio radical en nuestras vidas que, por momentos, aturde un poco.

Pero esta etapa pasa…Un día pasa. Y empiezan otras con otros desafíos, pero cuando nuestros hijps van ganando autonomía, también la vamos recuperando nosotros.

Maternar y paternar es la función más importante que tenemos, los que decidimos hacerlo.

Intentar ser piadosos con uno mismo mientras se transita, es la mejor herramienta para disfrutar lo bello que tiene, y aceptar lo abrumador como algo transitorio y pasajero. Entendernos y entender a nuestra pareja en ese contexto.

Aprender a pedir, sin necesitamos ayuda. No tenemos que mostrarnos superhéroes ni superheroínas. Todos, hasta el más experimentado, fue primerizo.

Y si te topas con una madre o padre primerizo, respetá sus modos. Hacé sugerencias, no críticas. Contale qué fue lo que a vos te resultó mejor. Empatizá. A vos también seguro te pasó algo parecido.

 

Lic. Verónica Selem

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