Buscamos quedar embarazados bastante…pero no sucedió enseguida. Recurrimos a tratamientos de baja complejidad que no funcionaron.
Cuando volvimos de unas mini vacaciones en Bariloche, la consigna era esperar al siguiente ciclo para ver cómo seguíamos…Pero ese ciclo no empezaba. Estaba embarazada y sin saber, seguimos esperando…
Enterarme fue no solo una feliz sorpresa. Fue para mí una inyección de sentido a mi vida…Eso! Una inyección de sentido después de tanto dolor y sinsentido…
Ahora era mamá. Lo que había soñado toda mi vida. Ahora tenía una familia y sentí de repente que la vida me daba la oportunidad ser feliz de nuevo…
Cuando en el primer control en el consultorio del obstetra, me hace una ecografía…antes que él dijera algo, yo los ví! ERAN DOS CORAZONES LATIENDO!!!
Me recuerdo acostada en la camilla estallada en una carcajada un poco frenética y desbordada…como si mi cuerpo hubiera podido reaccionar más rápido de lo que fui capaz yo para encontrar las palabras y decírselo a mi marido.
Mientras tanto, como diría mi hijo Juan, mi marido “estaba en un cumple”! (Dícese cuando alguien está en otra).
“LOS FELICITO! Son dos!”, dijo finalmente. A mi risa se le sumó lo divertido que fue ver al negro ponerse pálido en 3 segundos! No podía más de la risa, que para entonces ya intentaba controlar porque estaba empezando a sentir que estaba haciendo un papelón.
Salimos de ahí, me metí en un locutorio (dícese de negocio con teléfonos para hacer llamadas cuando tener celular era para unos pocos, 2001) y el negro me seguía sin haber recuperado ni el habla ni su color.
Abrí mi agenda de papel (aún uso de esas) y llamé a mi mamá, a mis hermanos, a mis amigas, mi abuela, la abuela de mi marido, mi suegra, a mis tías y a las suyas…seguía en “modo maníaco” y el negro seguía en shock…
Un poco más tarde supimos que era muy probable que sean dos nenas. Lo que no sabíamos era que tenían planeado nacer en la semana 24…
El 20/11/2001 me fui a acostar, cerca de las 23hs. El negro ya estaba acostado mirando la tele (Creo que Tinelli se estaba comiendo algún alfajor)
Sentí de pronto que me estaba mojando. Y me dije: “algo no está bien”.
Estábamos por cumplir la semana 24.
Llamé a mi obstetra, mientras metía las ecografías, un cepillo de dientes y ropa interior rápidamente en un bolso verde de ositos (horrendo, pero maternal…era lo que se suponía que se debía usar🤷♀️).
“Andate al Otamendi ya!” Me dijo el médico.
El taxi no nos quería llevar. El negro se impuso y le dijo algo así como: “No te estoy preguntando si nos llevas. Te estoy avisando que nos llevás!”
Fue el viaje en taxi más largo de mi vida… pero una parte de mí muy inocente (ignorante cabe mejor) pensaba en las pocas cosas que había comprado y el lío que iba a ser traerlas a casa…pero qué lindo verles las caras!
No llegamos a hacer ningún curso de ningún preparto. Pero vaya a saber qué película vio El negro que le hizo creer que ayudaba diciendo: “Respirá, respirá”… y cada vez que me lo decía yo lo quería matar! Hasta que le grité: “Si no respirara estaría muerta!”
(Ya les dije que soy una explosiva recuperada…) y la situación lo ameritaba. Pobre negrito!
Varios meses después supe que el médico de guardia que nos recibió le dijo a mi marido: “lo siento, no van a sobrevivir”.
El negro prefirió guardarse esa información solo. Seguramente quiso cuidarme. Y tal vez, también, debe haber pensado: “De ninguna manera! Vos quién sos?”…
Con una peridural que no terminó de hacer efecto pero no se podía esperar, las vi salir…
Había soñado el momento de verlas. No era así. Las vi de lejos irse listas para ir al respirador.
Pero no fue hasta que vino uno de los neonatólogos cuando entendí que tenían para varios meses y que me iría a casa sin ellas…
Fue mucha información para procesar en pocas horas. Fue un huracán de emociones que tuve que intentar aplacar…
Ni siquiera pude esperar al camillero para que me lleve a la Neo en silla de ruedas…necesitaba verlas! Mis hijas!
No sé cuánto tardé en llegar al segundo piso, pero me dolía más el alma que el cuerpo…así que no tuve que pensar qué hacer. Lo hice.
El lavado de manos que hoy sabemos hacer todos…meticuloso. Camisolín. Pasar por todas las Neos hasta la última. La Neo 1. La de los bebés más graves.
Y pasé la puerta de lo que sería el comienzo de mis días, tardes y algunas noches, de muchos largos meses. Los sonidos de las alarmas de los respiradores, monitores, incubadoras, máquinas que no supe qué eran… Un aire frío; la luz siempre tenue; el olor a limpio quirófano…
En la Neo 1 no había sonrisas. Tampoco se podía entrar con mucha frecuencia. Si no estaban trabajando con mis hijas, estaban trabajando con otro bebé y no se nos permitía entrar…a veces por horas y horas…
Y finalmente entrábamos, para abrir las ventanitas de incubadoras y apoyar la mano en sus cuerpitos…y estar así un rato. Para mí era tocar el cielo con las manos! Y esperaba ese ratito tanto!
Me sentía tan impotente e inútil que rigurosamente cumplía con ir cada 3 horas al lactario a sacarme unos míseros 20 cm cúbicos de leche para repartir entre ambas. Mientras veía a otras mamás que llenaban mamaderas enteras para dejarle a su bebé. Pero no me achicaba. Seguía exprimiéndome para hacer algo por ellas…
Miedo, soledad, incertidumbre, impotencia…la mayor parte del día.
Nos íbamos tarde. Yo esperaba que venga mi marido de trabajar, y lo esperaba a que esté con las chicas.
Ni bien llegaba a casa, agarraba el teléfono y llamaba a la Neo: “Mami, siguen estables. No se preocupe que cualquier cosa le avisamos”.
La palabra “estable” era una buena noticia…y por momentos, una palabra vacía…que no la queríamos escuchar más.
Y con 26 años me empezaban a decir “señora” y “mami” más seguido que “Vero”…Cuánta extrañeza!
21 de diciembre de 2001. Cande y Agus cumplían un mes.
Esperando en la recepción de la Neo. No sabíamos por qué hacía mucho que no podíamos entrar…Sillón incómodo bordó que detestaba por las horas que no me colaboraba en mis esperas. Los dos esperando. Callados. Yo en jogging, desalineada, como todo ese tiempo ahí…puérpera eterna.
Se acercó una de las neonatólogas: “¿Creen en Dios, chicos?”
Sentí el alma caer a mis pies sin escalas: “Nosotros ya no podemos hacer más nada”.
Agus había dejado de orinar. Eso indicaba que sus riñones no estaban funcionando. Se infló como un globo: “Si no pilla, probablemente no pase la noche”.
Que nos dejen entrar sin restricciones era una confirmación de que el desenlace que esperaban era ese.
Nos quedamos al lado de su servocuna sin parar de rogarle que pille: “Agus pillá”.
Ahí marqué el estilo de mamá que iba a ser: bien rompe bolas!
Y a las 3 am vimos unas gotitas amarillas en su sonda! NO LO PODÍAMOS CREER! Llamamos a las enfermeras, a los médicos…ellos tampoco podían creerlo pero tampoco nos querían ilusionar, porque podía ser eso: una ilusión.
Nos fuimos a las 4 am. Nerviosos, pero sabiendo que teníamos que descansar un poco si quería sacarme los 20 cm3 de leche del día siguiente.
Escuchábamos golpes de ollas, cacerolas…nos podía explotar una bomba al lado que nada nos sacaba de nuestro mundo: Ellas. (Mucho tiempo después supimos que el presidente se fue en helicóptero, los cacerolazos, y el momento histórico nacional. Pero nuestro momento histórico era este…
Agus revirtió el cuadro nomás, milagrosamente…y siguió avanzando de a poco…y volvimos a respirar.
No hay secuelas en esos riñones. No supimos qué fue. Tuvo más batallas luego…pero las sorteó. Cande, seguía avanzando sin sobresaltos.
Me pregunto si fue entonces cuando signaron sus personalidades: Agus, siempre remando…para un día sorprender a todos con un salto cualitativo que nos deja maravillados! Y cande siempre con sus objetivos claros, avanzando, tranquila pero con esfuerzo que, al lado del de Agus, pasa desapercibido…(para otros, no para nosotros)
Y desde entonces, sabiendo que nos tienen a nosotros, siempre cerquita.
Cada año nos acercamos a la Neo a agradecer, a intentar darle esperanzas a otros papás y mamás.
No faltamos nunca desde que se estableció la semana del prematuro y empezó un festejo formal.
Ellos salvaron la vida de mis hijas…Y con eso, la nuestra.
Agradecidos por siempre! Y orgullosa de mis leonas.
Lic. Verónica Selem
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